Sex and Relationships

When my boyfriend is the one who in a long time does not want to have sex

"It's not that I don't like sex. I like it, but it is not among my priorities"The speaker is David (simulated name). Thirty-eight years old, married for seven years and" the odd one of my group of friends. "

We are used to a mental image that is well established in society: men always want sex. And if it doesn't, something doesn't work. But is it really like that? Do men always want to do it? Are those who do not want sex in a long period of time rare? In fact, do they exist?

Judging by the testimonies we have obtained and the opinion of our sexologist, Mamen Jiménez ... if they exist. And they are more than we think. There are men who do not want to have sex and that affects their partners and their own relationship with their environment. They tell us. They, they and an expert in the field.

"I like it, but it is not a priority"

We talked to David about his inapetence sexual. Something that for a long time was silent, because "it is not easy to be having some beers with friends and say that you have not done it for five months, despite having a partner, when the others boast of conquest after conquest." Until one day he started talking about it. Naturally and without giving more importance, because for him there is the key to everything.

"See you little during the day and, honestly, there are many other things we prefer to do when getting into bed than having sex," David (38 years old).

"It's not that I don't like sex. I like it, much more with my wife than I liked the sporadic before I met her, because we know what each of us likes and it is satisfactory when it happens. But it is not a priority for me. I also like to play tennis and maybe in two weeks in summer I play five games, but in the whole winter not one, "he confesses.

Luckily, in his case, his wife has similar ideas and the absence of sex has not affected the relationship. "When we had been doing it for a short time, we did it more, maybe because we still didn't live together and when we had a chance ... well, it happened. Even maybe a little forced. But now we like to get into bed and talk, read, watch a movie ... See you little during the day and, honestly, there are many other things we prefer to do than have sex. That's why it happens a few times. "

What experts say about male desire

Approximately one in five men have a low sexual desire. We do not say so, but are statements by Irwing Goldstein, director of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. And not only that. He also states that 30% of women believe they have more desire for sex than their partners. Mamen Jiménez, a clinical psychologist and sexologist, tells us about it, based on what he usually sees in his practice and in the workshops he teaches.

"The desire has to be fed; if not, it languishes and begins to hibernate, "he explains." Desire feeds on thoughts about sex, of keeping it in mind, but also of what we do. And of course, if what we do does not quite enchant us ... it is complicated that we want to repeat very regularly. However, what we likeā€¦ yes we want two dishes, right? "

Acceptance, frustration, masturbation and rumors: that's how they live it

Patricia and Sole are two women who suffer the fact that their partners, both men, never want to have sex or almost never. Though suffer It is only the right verb in the case of Sole, 27, with a ratio of nine to the back. He has slept with his partner three times in the last two years and believes that the relationship will end if things do not change.

"It hurts to think about it, but it's like that. Not only because I feel like it many times and never it, but because it ends up affecting many other issues. For example, I can't talk about it with my friends. The times I have commented on it, the answer has always been something like that, if you don't want to, it will be that you are looking for it elsewhere. And although I trust him ... distrust is sown with those rumors. "

"We get into bed almost asleep and it's easier for us to end up reviewing the shopping list than making love," Sole (27 years old).

Patricia (41 years, seven with her partner), however, has assumed it normally. They have not had sex for more than a year and do not miss it. In fact, it bothers him that what happens to them is considered a problem: "I feel like it more often than he does, but not too much. Maybe I would do it once a month, while he arrives with a Once a year. Those times I feel like it, I masturbate because yes, women also do that, and holy easter. Our relationship has too many wonderful things for the absence of sex to end it. "

We ask both how did they get to the current situation, if it was something progressive, if they speak it ... and also in this their answers are very different.

"At first they were all fireworks. We met at the beginning of the university and in those years we lived pending that one of the two had the house free to do it. And if there was no house ... car. When we started working and living together, four years ago, things went off, until now we get into bed almost asleep and it is easier that we end up reviewing the shopping list than making love, "says Sole.

In Patricia's case it has been different: "We have been little passionate from the beginning. I remember when we were starting to stay, that many nights we had five in the morning talking about anything and we fell asleep without having touched. I remember one day I asked my partner if he trouble It was that he was not attracted to me and he replied that quite the opposite, but that he liked to share other things with me more than just sex. And I realized that I thought the same, that I like a good conversation more than an orgasm. "

Men who don't feel like sex: the last great taboo?

In what Sole do agree, Patricia and David is that it is a difficult topic to talk about. "I can't even talk to him", Sole confesses." He does not like to talk about the matter, he feels weird and makes excuses, usually that he is tired, neither to do it nor to talk about why we do not. With the rest of the world ... better not even discuss the subject. "

Patricia believes that the key is in some patriarchal thoughts that we have not just got rid of: "It has always been assumed that we want less. That husbands have to insist. And that many times we do it without desire, to fulfill. And nobody sees that terrible; It is part of jokes, sayings and a thousand scenes that we swallow in fiction. But when it's the other way around ... there has to be a problem because it is not normal".

"When it is the man who has less sexual appetite, people consider that there has to be a problem because 'it is not normal'", Patricia (41 years old).

David says that he has even heard that he may be repressing a latent homosexuality: "It seems incredible to me that, in this society that has been so homophobic until recently, it is easier for my friends to assume that I am gay but I have not realized that the fact that sex happens, or at least to practice it as if it were a race to see who does it the most. "

And they also agree on something that sexologist Mamen Jiménez notes: that there are many more cases than it seems because it is a great taboo. "Sometimes I think it's the last great sexual taboo"David tells us. "I have heard my friends tell very sordid things and nobody is too surprised. I say that I have not been sleeping with my wife for half a year and it makes them dizzy from fright. Or from laughter. I will never quite understand."

The sexologist Mamen Jiménez also guilt to the myth that is based on the mentality of society: "Reality is nothing like the canonical model that we have been selling all these years: yes, there are men who only think about it from when they get up until they go to bed, but there are also others who want only sometimes, little or almost nothing. On the women's side the same thing happens: it depends on each woman, there is no common pattern. We will banish once and for all, please, that "The normal thing is that boys want more than girls", because its not true".

Three key points to understand and assess sexual desire ... and a solution to the problem

Mamen summarizes in three key points what we must understand about male (and also female) sexual desire to assess whether there is a problem in our partner and to understand how we function in sex:

1) Female desire is more conditioned by hormones than male: "The women go through a hormonal carousel monthly, a big one, but in addition, if there is pregnancy, postpartum, etc., the carousel is of ordago. Menopause is the icing on the cake for the hormonal fair. So no it is surprising that in some women the desire goes up and down; that is, it is not as constant as that of some men, but this does not mean that it is lower ad eternum".

2) Sexual desire is something alive that has to be fed: "It is not something isolated that one has or does not have. The desire has to be fed. How? Thinking about sex and having sex. For generations we have been sold that men want at all times, so that they have seen Tendered the fact of thinking about sex when it pleases. This has generated a self-fulfilling prophecy: "We have been told that we are the ones we most desire and therefore we are the ones who think the most about it; as we think about it a lot, we are the ones we most want "".

"In the case of women, the opposite has happened: we were not allowed to think about sex, so we have seen our desire languish based on not pampering it, of not being able to externalize it and giving it free rein. At the moment in which This has been made possible, do you know what happened? we have a lot of women living their sexuality as they please... and eagerly. "

3) Human beings are more than hormones: "There are those who claim that" all this is a purely biological issue, "but there is something we must keep in mind: human beings, fortunately, we are much more than mere biology; we are right, which has made us evolve beyond the instincts. That is, the body predisposes, but the mind disposes. We are not prey to the hormone. "

We know the data, the key points, the testimony of people who live it from different perspectives, but ... is there a solution? Our sexologist is clear that, before, we must identify whether or not there is a problem: "The lack of sexual desire can become a problem, but only when the level of desire (either by excess or by default) causes discomfort to the person. However, on numerous occasions we find people who are having a bad time because of the desire ... but because it does not fit that of your partner.When there are large differences in the amount of sex we want or in how we want it, the couple can become very resentful. , a point where both are comfortable, although for that it is necessary to work, of course. That work usually works well, believe me".

This article was published on 07/19/2018 and has been revised for republication.

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